Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Top 10 Things "NOT" to Wear to Court

Res Judicata is proud to announce a monthly top 10 things (not to do).  Hopefully we can keep this up as long as the creative juices keep flowing.  The content of this blog is for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect the opinions or experiences of The Law Office of Cindy Allen or staff. 

But without further ado, we present:

What Not to Wear “to Court” TOP 10

10. Shiny Shoes
-- Although the Oklahoma City Courthouse does feature a shoeshine in the hallway, it is probably best to avoid the temptation to get a quick buff before court.  There is nothing more distracting than when a Judge, juror, or even other attorney can’t dislodge their eyes from your highly reflective shoes.  “There’s no place like home” to leave your ruby slippers Dorothy.  You are not on Broadway-- you are in a courtroom.

9. Flip-flops
-- The ever-popular beach shoes have no home in the courtroom, that is, unless your courtroom is the Tribal Court from Survivor.  Leave them home; dress professionally, and for the love of the court…Use common sense when dressing for court, no matter how attractive your pedi is (You know bright green with little suns and palm trees) nobody really wants to see your smelly feet.

8. Mid-driff
-- This is a huge no no.  Unless of course you think your beer gut, tramp stamp, well-sculpted abs, or the bit of bellybutton lint you’ve been hanging on to will play in your favor with the judge; just wear a full size shirt.  Again think professional dress, not white trash barbecue.

7. Tank-Top/ Wife Beater
-- There is nothing more attractive then a sweaty nest of armpit hair fully visible when asking the judge to grant you leniency.  Whether you are a muscle man or a stick figure, the tank top is not for court.  Not to mention when you appear before the court accused of domestic violence and your “Wife Beater Tank Top” has a bit of BBQ sauce stain down the front, you pretty much scream “Guilty as Charged”.

6. Braless
-- Although this is not “What Not to Wear”, but in fact a definite item of clothing that is essential to looking professional during your hearing.  Those courtrooms get cold if you know what I mean.  Keep the jumblies under restraint or else you could find your “al natural” appearance landing you—under restraints.

5. Expensive Suit
-- Money can’t by you love, but if it did, then you don’t need to show up to court to defend your case looking like it.  A sleek black suit tends to scream, “Weasley mafia scum.”  Top that off with a little greased back hair and you just landed yourself in the pen.  Remember professional, not Gucci.  Bad guys and ninjas always were black.  Think neutral, earthy…Switzerland.

4. Gaudy Jewelry
-- Jewelry can be an accessory but not an asset.  Think functional jewelry, i.e. watch, earrings, necklace, etc…  Don’t show up to court with facial and body piercings strung together by a chain, a wrist of jingly bracelets,  or earrings that hang down four inches, twist, sparkle, jingle, distract or any other adjectives you can think of.  Gaudy jewelry can be an accessory to your conviction, but on the bright side if you manage to smuggle one of those earrings into jail with you, you might have a good shank, lock pick, or handy tattoo needle.

3. Cut-offs
-- This goes for both girls and guys.  Cut-offs? Really.  First off you should not be wearing shorts, and at that, you should not be wearing shorts you made from a pair of holy jeans.  Perhaps you find the fray and fringe at the end a fashion statement but to the judge you look like a guilty statement.  Save those cut-offs to compliment your Tom Selleck mustache and finely feathered hair, 1970’s coming back baby!!

2. Mini Skirts
-- Maybe when you woke up and got ready for court today you thought your mini-skirt may attract the attention of a sexually repressed judge.  “Excuse me, miss, I seem to have dropped my gavel, could you pick that up for me?”  This is not Basic Instinct; it is a courtroom environment.  Not to mention your Judge could be female.  Use your head and save that mini for the after party, you know the one where you were found “Not Guilty” or were just awarded a sizable alimony for looking like a victim.

1. Graphic T-Shirts
-- Bubblicious, Sexy Girl, The B*@ch Fell Off, FBI, Big Johnson, and so on, do not have a place in the courtroom.  This is the first impression the Judge receives of you; do you want that message to be “I had sex with your girlfriend”?  Perhaps you belong in prison when you show up to your arraignment with a DOC t-shirt, and just try to beat a drug charge with a “Legalize it” and pot leaf on your shirt.  When going to court and trying to pick out something to wear, don’t even give that “Cougar Hunter” tee a second glance.  Move right on by and choose to wear something you might wear to church, not something you wear to the Sizziler.